Q. How do you get two pipers to play in perfect unison?

A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?

A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

A. No one cries when you chop up a set of bagpipes.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?

A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?

A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?

A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?

A. Add vibrato.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?

A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?

A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?

A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?

A. Drool.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?

A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?

A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?

A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?

A. No one knows when to come in.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?

A. A start.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A. To get away from the sound.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"

Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."